We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
