In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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