I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
