I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
