i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
