If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
two words: eviction party
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
