We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
