My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
