I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
