Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
