i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
