someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
