my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
