im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
