I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
