I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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