i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
