An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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