Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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