Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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