i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
