My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
