Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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