Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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