I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
People in love make me want to vomit
he thought i was a dude.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
