it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
i need to put some appletini on your dick
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
