ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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