On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
