i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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