Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
