I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
