I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
