we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
