i just wanna soil my oats bro
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
