Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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