This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
be right there i have to get my cape
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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