Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
