Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
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