I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
