i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
