remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
