This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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