I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
