So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
