I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
