I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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