I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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