Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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