I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
