Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
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