??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
