Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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